Have A Nice Day!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90... 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


the one & only,
MelodyAnne

Somewhere... In The Middle of Nowhere...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.


the one & only,
MelodyAnne

Stripper!

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"


the one & only,
MelodyAnne

Premature Ejaculation!

This one's stupid!! ahahahah!!!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" So the blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Your Forgot Your Wheelchair!

Here's a joke i'd like to share:

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."


the one & only,
MelodyAnne

How Daring Am I?

I Am Bold And Brave

But daring? Not usually? I tend to like to make calculated risks. So while I may not be base jumping any time soon... I am up for whatever's new and (a little) exciting!

How Daring Are You?

What's My Power Color?

My Power Color Is Red-Orange

At My Highest: I am warm, sensitive, and focused on my personal growth. At My Lowest: I become defensive and critical if I feel attacked. In Love: I am loyal - but I demand the respect I deserve. How Am I Attractive: I am very affectionate and inspire trust. My Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

Do I Drive Like A Girl or A Guy?

My Driving is: 48% Male, 52% Female

According to studies, you drive both like a guy and a girl. This means you're a pretty average driver, with typical quirks. Occasionally you're frustrated and or a little reckless, but that's the exception - not the norm.

Do You Drive Like a Guy or a Girl?

How Libra Am I

I am 47% Libra

How Libra Are You?

What's My Superhero Name

My Superhero Profile

My Superhero Name is The Omega Genie My Superpower is Telepathy My Weakness is LiveJournal My Weapon is Your Sonic Tentacles My Mode of Transportation is Jet Pack

What's your Superhero Name?

for u...

hey..

i cant sleep... i wanna be in ur arms.. though we spent the nite together already, but i still wanna be in ur arms.. holding u tight.. squeezing u... hmm... smelling ur nice body.. feeling ur breath... it's jus so promising.. & so calming.. jus cant get enuff of it..

i donno wat these means but i know i really love u.. so much that i would let go of the world jus for u.. i really thank u for loving me so much.. taking really good care for me.. i really really love u.. i never told u this b4 but there r a few times that i wanna tell u this... I LOVE YOU.. those 3 words r all i could say to u.. there r no other words best to describe my feelings for u..

i donno y.. i really donno y.. it's jus the things that u do.. the touch.. the smell.. the face... oh im so so deeply in love with u.. u r jus my everything..

u always put me b4 urself.. & u r so worried that i will leave u one day coz u may not fulfill wat i wan.. that's rubbish.. im not that kinda person.. & i wont be..

u would learn to speak English jus for me.. u would change jus for me.. u would listen to wat i say.. when i say this is better for u, u would try it & never say that my idea is bad.. though sometimes it's a little bad.. *giggles*

u would forget wat u like.. jus for me...u wouldn't scold me at any point when u r very angry.. instead, u kept quiet & calm urself down.. i know im the cause for all ur worries & all ur anger.. but I LOVE YOU...

I LOVE YOU.... I LOVE YOU... I LOVE YOU...

the day we know we need each other

the one & only,
MelodyAnne